Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
