dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
farters have to be the big spoon...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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