I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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