We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
