I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
