listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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