woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
