I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
