I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
