Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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