Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
