So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
