I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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