wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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