Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
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You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
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I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.