so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.