I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.