So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
