I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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