The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
