I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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