I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
