there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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