I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
her vagine was all disorganized.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
