can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
