my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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