How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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