we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
