We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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