As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
