Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
