Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
