So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
