I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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