Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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