I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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