i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
