dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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