My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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