At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
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Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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