i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
