You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
