Having a random hookup so left but love u
If that was your dad, he is hot
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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