Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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