i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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