I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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