Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
