I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
