He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
