You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
