My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
