This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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