our cab driver is having phone sex.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
