Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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