Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
