You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
