I can tuck mytits in my pants
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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