were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Houston, we have a squirter
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
