i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
