I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
