I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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