I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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